


The Zahhaks Go to a Wine Bar

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Cousin Incest, Drunkenness, Family, Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Sexual Confusion, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wine, Zahhak-typical bigotry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 02:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6033958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horuss takes Equius to a wine bar to show him how sophisticated wine can be. They proceed to get embarrassingly smashed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Zahhaks Go to a Wine Bar

**Author's Note:**

> The inclusion of listed wines is not meant to endorse or defame any brand. I didn't drink any of the wines, just found their names online. I just know I like Riesling.
> 
> I apologize if I made any mistakes about Iranian culture.
> 
> Vomiting is mentioned at the end of the story, but it occurs off-screen.
> 
> Thanks to baneofboredom and spacecadetomoly for pre-reading.

It was a lovely April day and cousins Horuss and Equius were out on the town. Horuss walked purposefully and Equius walked behind him, not knowing where they were going. Suddenly, Horuss stopped in front of a glass-fronted cafe. Equius’ eyes went up to the sign that read “The Faun”. Though he liked the name in theory, the grape vines around the fanciful letters made him nervous.

“What type of an establishment is this?” he asked suspiciously.

His older cousin answered, “Don’t worry about the quality. This place was highly recommended by reviews in both the local –“

“I mean, is this a place where alcohol is served?”

Horuss sighed. “Yes, this is a wine bar.”

Equius turned away. “I cannot enter such a place.”

Horuss pulled Equius’ arm. “Yes you can.”

Equius pulled away his arm. “No I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“No I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“NO I CAN’T.”

“YES YOU CAN. I mean, you turned twenty-one in December, didn’t you?”

Equius turned back around. “That doesn’t matter; it still is haraam,” he declared.

Horuss snorted. “We’re not in Iran, cousin.”

“I didn’t stop being a Muslim when I left.”

“Oh? Have you really been keeping up the faith? Do you regularly visit a mosque?”

“There isn’t one in this small town.”

“Do you always pray five times a day? No matter what?”

“When I’m not busy.”

“And you don’t dress like a good Muslim man.”

Equius quickly glanced down at his short sleeves before looking up. “Long sleeves make me perspire too much. At least I’m not wearing a tie. And I won’t drink alcohol.”

“Alcohol is fine in moderation. Only excess is wicked.”

“Any alcohol is extremely foolish and extremely un-Muslim.”

“The Muslim poet Omar Khayyam wrote beautiful verses about wine.”

Equius snorted. “He was an atheist.”

Horuss growled, “That is a ridiculous misconception, he was clearly Sufi, if you just look at his philosophy you’ll...” He then regained his composure and smiled again. “But this isn’t the time to debate poetry. We should get inside.”

“It is embarrassing to argue in public,” Equius admitted, “But I’d rather go inside someplace else.”

“You said you would let me chose where I’d treat you for your birthday lunch. You promised! And that was five months back! You kept pushing the date off. I was afraid I wouldn’t get a chance to spend time with you before you went back to Iran.”

“I’ve been busy with schooling.”

“And I’m family, I’m khânevâde, only one you have in the States.”

“Our grandfather disinherited you.”

“You’ve never let my pariah status stop you before.” He put his hand on Equius’ shoulder. “I am still your father’s brother’s elder son, no matter what our old Pedarbozorg says. We are children of twins; that makes us even closer! We love each other.”

Equius whispered, “I do love you too...as family.”

“So come into the bar and have a drink with me.”

Equius sighed. “Yes, cousin.”

The two stopped taking up the sidewalk and entered the wine bar. Equius was surprised at how it looked. His mental image of bars was of dark and rowdy establishments with dart boards and sticky counters. This place was light and airy. The walls were painted a perfect white with a deep red-brown wood providing an accent. The tables and chairs were made of a sinuous metal. In the corners, there were red velvet armchairs and sofas. The patrons talked in civilized tones and nobody seemed to be drunk. He started to think maybe wine was something different from the beer and vodka his fellow students guzzled.

Horuss watched his naive cousin’s reaction. He didn’t see any disgust in Equius’ face, just awe. Still, the teetotaler looked tense. Horuss thought perhaps Equius might relax after a glass. The older cousin raised his hand and a female server with short blonde hair came over.

“Welcome to The Faun, my name is Beth,” she said, “How many are in your party?”

Horuss put his hand on his cousin’s shoulder. “I have brought my cousin here to teach him the joys of wine. He turned twenty-one recently, and he’s matriculating from our town’s fine college in -”

“So two then?”

“Yes, two.”

Their server sat them at a small round table and gave them menus before leaving.

“She is brusque, don’t you think?” asked Horuss softly, “I don’t like her much.”

However, Equius was busy looking at the menu. “I see there are non-alcoholic drinks here.”

“I didn’t bring you here just so you could drink ice tea. I’ll do the ordering for the both of us.”

“You’ll...order for me?”

“I do it all the time with Rufioh. He is very indecisive, it’s a flaw of his.”

“So in your relationship with that man, you do the ordering?”

“I like ordering for people. I like their faces when they try something new!”

“You really think I’ll enjoy wine?”

“I guarantee it, cousin. You and I were meant for the finer things in life.”

“Agreed, though I’m not sure that includes alcohol.”

Horuss looked down at the menu through his thick glasses only for a few seconds before signaling for the server.

“And she isn’t here yet,” he said to Equius after half a minute, “What is she doing? This place isn’t 100% full. She shouldn’t be so busy.”

Their server did soon come after Horuss’ impatient aside.

“Are you ready to order?” she asked.

Horuss announced, “We’ll both start out with a glass of Black Stallion Pinot Grigio 2013, oh, and the cheese and meat platter to share.”

“I’m a vegetarian,” whispered Equius to his older cousin.

“Then only eat the cheese,” his older cousin whispered back.

“Is there a problem?” she asked.

“No, no,” replied Horuss.

“I’ll get your order then.”

She left again. Horuss shook his head.

“Don’t be difficult, Equius.”

“I’ll be obedient.”

“You don’t have to pout like that, I’m not your father...say, how is my uncle doing?”

“He is in excellent health.”

“That’s so good. I’m so in the dark now after the disinheriting. Not that I regret what I did, I was tired of denying my true self, but I do sometimes miss my family. I wish I could have had both my freedom and my family.”

“You did manage to keep your father’s money.”

“I inherited that money fair and square before Pedarbozorg disinherited me. He is free to take the factory away from me, I never cared about it, but he can’t take the fund away from me. It was my late father’s wish that I should be monetarily equipped to face life after he passed away.”

“I’m still surprised that your father was so...progressive.”

Horuss turned mournful. “He had absolutely no idea. I could never come out to him. If he had known, he probably would have disinherited me too.” His face brightened again. “But he didn’t disinherit me, so I’m free to live the life I want.”

“It wasn’t my decision but I think I would prefer family.”

Horuss gestured at his younger cousin. “I have you as family.”

“For the record, I still don’t approve of your...lifestyle.”

“Well, you don’t have to as long as you don’t cut me out of your life. I’m glad you went to college here, and at my alma mater! When I left Iran as a mere teenager, no, a pre-teenager, I thought we might never met again. Yet here we are, much closer here than we were back in our homeland. I do wish you were more accepting of me, though.”

Equius looked down at his hands. “I do approve of other things about you, cousin. In fact, I find you extremely...”

“The wine is here! Good!”

Indeed, the server was there with two glasses of white wine. She placed them on the table.

“The platter will be coming shortly,” she said, “Do you need anything else?”

“I plan on buying more glasses today-“

“You do?” asked Equius.

“- But we’re fine for now.”

The server left again. Equius looked down at the yellow liquid in the wine glass, unsure whether to drink or not. Horuss lifted his glass.

“Now, look here,” he said, “This is Pinot Grigio. I normally don’t drink it, but it’s a good ‘beginner’s’ wine. Lift your glass to your nose and smell it first.”

Equius lifted up his glass to his nose but didn’t smell it. He knew all too well what alcohol smelled like from dorm living.

Horuss closed his eyes and sniffed the glass, “Doesn’t it smell of orange peels with a hint of spice? Perhaps nutmeg?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“To graduation and to wine,” Horuss cheered.

“To graduation,” Equius cheered back softly.

They clicked glasses. Horuss took a sip with his eyes closed.

“It doesn’t taste as grapefruity as others of its class. It has a vanilla, lemon, and almond taste. Go on, taste it.”

Equius reluctantly followed suit. The alcohol, the first he ever had, burned his mouth and throat. The taste of vanilla, almond, and lemon was lost on him.

“This is a serviceable wine with a balanced acidity.” Horuss declared, “What do you think, my young cousin?”

“Yes, serviceable,” Equius replied. He looked around the table. “There isn’t any water.”

“Hmm, that is important. I’ll have to order some mineral water. We should drink nothing but the best to cleanse our palates.” He took another drink of his wine.

Equius again reluctantly drank his wine. It didn’t hurt as much as the first time but he still didn’t enjoy it.

Horuss asked, “So how is Mr. Henderson doing?”

“My housemate? Sad to say, he passed away months ago.”

“What a shame, he seemed such a kindly old soul.”

“Worse, in his place, the landlord moved in a most disgusting young man, a degenerate marijuana smoker named Gamzee Makara.”

“Oh my, have you called the police?”

“His father is the police. The chief of police, in fact. And the landlord is the criminal’s cousin and probably a drug dealer himself so I can’t appeal to him.”

Horuss shook his head. “What is this country coming to? Everyone smokes marijuana.”

“These things don’t happen in Iran.”

“Yes, but in Iran, everyone smokes opium.”

“That’s an ignorant stereotype from Westerners who think we ride carpets.”

“Does Pedarbozorg still smoke?”

“He’s trying to cut back,” Equius answered sheepishly before rallying, “But our elders back home don’t smoke opium as much as the youth in this country smoke marijuana. And opium just makes the user drowsy, whereas marijuana incites lust and gluttony.”

Horuss drank more wine. “True. I know whenever my Rufioh smokes he destroys the kitchen.”

“You let him use drugs?”

“I forbid him to, but everyone once in a while he comes home with his Mohawk smelling suspicious. I really need to take care of the boy.”

“Isn’t he twenty-seven like you?”

“He is an eternal child.”

“I’m certain he is much more responsible than my roommate. Gamzee Makara would be homeless if not for his wealthy family.”

“Makara,” Horuss pronounced slowly, “Is he Indian? South Asian I mean?”

“Yes, his family comes from Kashmir and they are extremely important. His grandfather was a general.”

“Kashmir? Are they of our faith?” Horuss asked.

“No, Hindu. My roommate worships some death god or goddess, I don’t understand what it is but it somehow involves smoking excessive amounts of ganja.”

“At least he has some spirituality. I remember how contented I felt when I adopted Sufi. My own brand of Sufi, that is. I am never orthodox.”

Equius held back his words regarding that heresy. Instead, he drank some more of his haraam wine.

“He could be more if he applied himself,” Equius said, “His whole family is ambitious. Even his cousin is ambitious, though in the wrong way.”

“Speaking of ambitions, what do you plan to do after graduation?”

Equius bristled. “The same thing I’ve always planned to do: manage the family business. Why would you ever ask?”

“Well, you might have changed your mind after being exposed to other possibilities.”

“I am not easily distracted from my goal.”

Horuss drank more wine. “You truly want to produce leather goods?”

“I do feel a tinge of my consciousness thinking of the poor animals murdered to provide our goods,” he admitted sheepishly, “But turning my back on my family is a worse sin.”

“I respect your ideals, cousin, though I don’t share them. As for me, I knew I had to be an inventor, not a businessman.”

“I thought you owned that Japanese anime shop?”

“That’s more of Rufioh’s than mine, I just helped him initiate it. He’s the leader of men. My destiny is to craft alone. I think it might be your destiny too.”

“I can craft in my spare time.”

“If you have spare time. It would be a shame if you gave up robotics. The projects I’ve seen are excellent and I’m sure you have even better ones locked up in your head.”

Equius wiped his forehead with a napkin. “Thank you,” he said with a smile before turning serious, “But I can always use my robotics knowledge to buy machines for the factory. I don’t need to fool around in a workshop all day.”

“Inventing doesn’t require shutting yourself up in a workshop all day. Sometimes you need to take a walk...a long walk...just walking for hours and hours in the woods. Then, possibly, inspiration will strike you.”

“The outside is so bright though,” Equius said as he adjusted his omnipresent shades.

“There’s also walking at night, too. Just walk all night...watching the stars...it’s quite lovely.”

“You can see the stars around here?”

“If you walk far enough, you can.”

The server then came with the meat and cheese platter and two plates. Equius peered at the selection of hor’devores . He wished it was divided or segregated by cheese and meat, or better yet, there be no meat at all to defile the elegant wooden board.

“Will you be needing anything else?” the server asked.

“I would like two glasses of the Jefferson Cabernet Franc 2014,” Horuss ordered.

Equius looked up from the platter. “More wine? I haven’t finished this first accursed cup.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Horuss snapped at Equius.

“Is there something wrong with the Pinot Grigio?” asked the server as she peered at Equius’ glass.

Horuss smiled. “No, no, he’s just ungrateful. He’ll drink it all and be happy. Please get us the Cabernet Franc.”

The server nodded and took Horuss’ empty glass before leaving. Equius looked at his own half-full glass.

“Do I really have to finish this glass of wine?” he asked, “Isn’t it enough that I tasted it?”

“Don’t be a child. Finish up your wine.”

Horuss’ patronizing command sent shivers down Equius’ spine. The teetotaler quickly drank the rest of the wine. Instead of being proud, Horuss looked at him in disgust.

“I didn’t mean for you to chug it!”

“I wish I hadn’t,” Equius gasped, “Where’s the water?”

Horuss snapped his fingers. “I forgot to order it. You distracted me with your whining.”

“I’m sorry.”

Horuss looked around the restaurant and saw their server talking with a male server.

“Hmph,” he said, “She’s chattering with some man, probably her boyfriend. I imagine we’ll have to wait an extra-long time to get our water. It’s a shame; they have such a good selection of water.”

“I would go for tap water at this point.”

Horuss made a face. “This town’s tap water is horrible. I don’t even use it to boil pasta. Was the wine really that bad that you’d prefer tap water?”

“I don’t like any wine.”

“You’ve only had one glass of wine your entire life, how can you say you exclude all wine? Though that Pinot Grigio was uninspired, there will be other better wines. You must experiment.”

“I’ll drink wine today but I’m not going to make a habit of it.”

“So you say. You’ll be longing for wine when you go back to Iran. When you choke down rancid alcohol squeezed from distilled raisins, you’ll miss Virginian wine.”

“Virginia has wine?”

“Have you really lived in this country four years? I bet you don’t even know where Virginia is.”

“I do too. It’s in the South...somewhere.”

The server came over then with two glasses of red wine. When Horuss got his glass, he lifted it up and immediately started talking.

“This Cabernet Franc comes from a vineyard in Virginia, named after Thomas Jefferson. I’ve visited it before in fact when I went to Monticello. This red wine tastes of vanilla and cherries and even herbs.” He sniffed it and sighed. “It has a bouquet of tobacco and green pepper. Go on, smell it.”

Equius felt self-conscious doing that but he did anyway. It smelled of alcohol but he was glad he didn’t smell the tobacco. He drank some and it tasted like the last glass but stronger. It made his mouth feel funny afterwards.

“Is it supposed to make your mouth feel dry?” he asked.

Horuss drank some. “That’s the tannins. I’m surprised you noticed that, I thought it didn’t have much.”

“Such strange aftertastes.”

“Have some crackers and stop complaining.”

Equius looked at the cheese board. He liked cheese in general but he didn’t know much about them. He once tried American cheese and it confirmed his suspicions about the country’s cuisine. He didn’t see any of that cheese on the board. Taking a cracker, he spread a white cheese on it. It tasted a bit chalky and he drank more wine. Horuss took a cheese and cracker himself.

“So you plan on being a businessman, correct?” he asked after eating, “What about having a family?”

“I’ll have one when I return to Iran.”

“No girl in this country has caught your eye, cousin?”

“I find them attractive,” Equius responded too defensively, “But none of them are good Muslim women.”

“There must be someone in the international student body. I’ve seen hijabi on campus.”

“They’re all Sunni. I must marry of my religion, class, and ethnicity.”

“You can’t even fool around with someone? You came all this way just to go home and marry our poor cross-eyed cousin Ava?”

“Of course not! She married last year.”

“She did? That’s a surprise. But my point is, why not go on a couple dates with an American woman? You don’t have to marry her.”

Equius looked down. “Actually, I have done that.”

“Really? Who with?”

“A Jewess named Aradia.”

“Jewish? Is she Israeli? Is she a Zionist?”

“Not a Zionist, thankfully...but she is a Communist.”

“A Communist! Have you been attending meetings?”

“No, I haven’t. I would never.”

“I’m thankful Rufioh has no interest in politics, though he unfortunately have friends that do. Well, I like Kankri, he understands me, but I don’t much care for Porrim. So, this lady friend, is she rich? Rich Communists are the worst.”

“Strangely, I have run into the only poor Jew. She grew up in a trailer house.”

“I knew a Jewess girl who grew up in a trailer house. The unstable woman tried to kill me!”

“Damara Megido? She’s actually the cousin of my girlfriend.”

“Hmm, small world. Is Damara still insane?”

“I’m not about to ask about that! It would be quite rude.”

“I wish I could hear from Damara. I wrote her some extremely polite letters to her in prison yet she never apologized. She wrote back the most...disgusting things...in Japanese. I had to have Rufioh translate and his face was as red as her hair when he read her filth. And she seemed the nicest young woman, not at all trailer trash. Yet she showed herself to be a jealous shrew. I’ve forgiven her though. But enough about the past. What is your Megido like?”

Equius smiled. “She is the most friendly, considerate, loving young woman.”

“How wonderful!”

Equius frowned. “Except when she’s with me. I think she hates me.”

“But you are dating?”

“We meet, we argue, we ‘make up’. I worship the ground she walks on yet she thinks I’m the rude one.”

“Does she like anything about you?”

Equius smiled shyly. “She thinks I’m handsome.”

“Perspective woman. I suppose it is narcissistic to say so given that we look so much alike, but yes, you are above-average in looks.”

“Thank you, cousin.”

“To use a crude American analogy, what baseball base are...”

“First! Only first!”

“Oh. I was expecting I’d have to explain that analogy to you.”

“I’m not as ignorant of American culture as you think. Yes, we have ‘made out’, but she has kept her virtue.” He looked off to the side. “Assuming she has virtue, I have never checked.”

“Rufioh was a virgin, with men that is, before he met me. I slowly broke him down. It was a challenge to me, seducing a heterosexual.” Horuss sighed happily. “But in the end, he seduced me.”

“Good reason for me to not seduce Aradia. I prefer her to keep her virtue.”

“One night, you’ll have to deflower your good Muslim wife.”

Equius wiped his head with a napkin. “I know.”

Horuss lifted his glass. “To matrimony.”

Equius lifted his. “To matrimony.”

They both drank and ate. Before Equius knew it, he had finished his second glass.

“Hmm,” remarked Horuss, “Did you enjoy the Cabernet Franc?”

“It’s only the salty food.”

“Yes, this exquisite platter is in tune with the wine. I’ve made a good choice.” He finished his glass. “I’ll order us another round.”

“More of this wine?”

“No, something different.”

Horuss held up his hand and the server came. Equius was hoped Horuss was going to get something non-alcoholic but Horuss didn’t.

“We’d like two glasses of the Argyle Brut Rose 2009,” he ordered.

The server nodded and took away the two glasses.

“And I’d like...” Horuss added, “Oh wait, she’s gone. At least we’ll soon have more wine to drink. No need to bother wasting money on water.”

“I’d prefer water.”

“And I prefer wine, and I’m the one ordering and paying for this outing.” He pointed at Equius. “Understand?”

“You are so forceful,” Equius replied with a shiver.

“Rufioh likes that in me.”

“I like it too. I like it when you yell at me.”

“I’m trying not to yell. This is a public place and I won’t embarrass myself. I’ve stopped embarrassing myself in public with my rage a long time ago. You know I can be much worse.”

“That’s true.”

“Rufioh has helped. He has made me a better man and I have returned the favor.”

“I’d like that. Without the making the man part.”

They ate some more, though Equius ate the lion’s share. It just made him thristy. He was actually relieved when more wine came.

Horuss held up the glass. “Now, this is a rose wine. Note the pale salmon-pink depths. It also smells of roses and even a hint of freshly-mowed hay. To roses!”

Equius held up his glass too. They both drank. Again, Equius tasted only wine. He still drank a good deal of it.

Equius began, “Actually, if I had to marry tomorrow...”

Horuss leaned forward. “Hmmm...”

“I’d marry Nepeta.”

“I didn’t know you were in love with her.”

“I’m not. She is my beast furiend. Um, best friend. She is like a little sister to me.”

“And you still want to marry her?”

“She is the only woman I am truly comfortable with. Females confound me.” He wiped his face.

Horuss shrugged. “Maybe you should just marry her.”

“She sees me as an older brother. There is some man she is in love with, totally unworthy of her. She denies it but it is painfully obvious.”

“Who is he?”

“I’m not giving you Vantas’ name.” He put his hand on his mouth. “Oops.”

“Kankri Vantas? That’s a hopeless cause.”

“No, another Vantas, Karkat. He has the foulest mouth I have ever heard. She sometimes curses as well and I blame him.”

“Rufioh still curses a lot,” Horuss added.

“Aradia has cursed only once in the time I’ve know her.”

“But her cousin...” Horuss shuddered and said nothing more.

They drank more wine. Despite having food in his stomach, Equius was starting to feel light-headed. It was a pleasant type of light-headed though. He finished off his glass.

Horuss remarked, “So, you enjoy the taste of guava, licorice, and filo pastry?”

“I still tasted nothing.”

“You seem happy enough. I see a smile.”

“I’m just...floating.”

Horuss finished his glass and raised it. “That’s enjoyment enough! Let’s celebrate with champagne! Server! Champagne!”

The server came quickly.

“You’d like champagne, right?” she asked testily, “Which one would-“

“Well, technically I would like the Domaine Agapé Crémant d’Alsace 2007 which isn’t champagne but a sparkling white wine since to comes from Alsace but I prefer it to champagne from Champagne. Two glasses, please.”

“Yes, sir.” The server took away the used glasses.

Horuss whispered to Equius, “I still don’t like her.”

“Rude woman.”

“Hopefully we’ll get a chilled wine.”

“You mean they’ll put ice in it?”

“They had better not. That is so déclassé. I meant they chill it in a bucket.”

“How long will we have to wait for the wine?”

“You’re impatient for more wine?”

Equius crossed his arms. “I’m just impatient.”

“I think you do enjoy wine.”

“It isn’t as...painful...as I expected. I don’t feel violent or rowdy. In fact, I feel a calm.”

“See? Alcohol can be dignified. We haven’t drunk that much.”

“Three glasses isn’t much?”

“We’ve also eaten. Say, would you like pizza?”

“This is a pizzeria too?”

“Well, it’s flatbread pizza. I’ll order some.”

“You still haven’t ordered water.”

“If I remember, I’ll order it. Oh, and cannoli. You like cannoli?”

“Is that another wine?”

“It’s a chocolate pastry filled with exquisite cream. I’ll order it, you’ll love it.”

“Are we ordering an entire meal?”

“Why not? This is lunch time.”

“How much will this all cost?”

“I’m paying, remember?”

“Is the Japanese anime shop doing well?”

“Oh? Extremely well. It’s a community icon.”

“Nepeta never talks about it and she dabbles in Japanese media.”

“We don’t get many female customers. It’s a very masculine establishment.”

“Do you stock...hentai?”

“We stock media for all ages. I think hentai is unfairly marginalized, personally. Japan experiments in erotic potentials untouched by Western media.”

“Like tentacles.”

Horuss sighed. “It’s not all tentacles. Tentacles were in fad in the 80s and 90s. Don’t be so stereotypical.”

“I didn’t know you were one of those...”

“Otakus? Yes, I am. I have taken interest in my lover’s interests. Wish he would take more interest in mine, but, I can’t complain.”

The server came back with room-temperature champagne in flutes. Equius expected Horuss to complain about the temperature but instead he was busy ordering two flatbread pizzas, two cannoli, two Pellegrino, and to Equius’ horror, two more glasses of wine.

“The 14 Hands Winery Hot To Trot Red 2013,” Horuss finished, “Do you have it all down? Including that wine name?”

“Yes, sir,” the server responded.

“Thank you. You are the best waitress. I’m leaving you a big tip.”

“Thank you.”

The server left the two alone again.

Equius held up his flute. “Why is this a different shape?”

Horuss held up his glass. “The elongated shape of the glass holds the carbon dioxide bubbles better than the round coupe. Though, there is a story that says they’re supposed to be shaped like a woman’s chest.”

Equius eyed the flute suspiciously. “Is that what they look like?”

Horuss rolled his eyes. “Of course not.”

“How do you know? You are an extreme homosexual.”

“Touché.” He clinked against Equius’ glass. “To women!”

“To women.”

They both drank from their flutes.

“Ugh!” Equius cried, “I can’t drink this!”

“You’ve said that every cup.”

“But this is the limit for me! I cannot stand carbonation.”

“I could have sworn you’ve drank soda before.”

“I have not! Soda is disgusting and I spend my days surrounded by a slob who chugs down cheap swill all the time.”

“Rufioh drinks too much soda too.”

Equius continued, “That slob Gamzee, putting over-large bottles to his lips and sucking over and over. It’s fascinating...in a disgusting way.”

“Um, yes, Rufioh is like that too.” Horuss wiped his brow and then worked on his drink. “Could I have your champagne?”

“You won’t force me to drink it?”

Horuss finished his own. “Champagne is overrated.”

He then took Equius’ flute and drank from it.

“I had my lips on that,” Equius muttered, “My saliva.”

“I’m just a mother hen cleaning up after her children,” Horuss said in a strange bittersweet tone, “If only I had one. But I can mother Rufioh. You know he drinks Mike’s Hard Lemonade?”

“Hard lemonade?”

“Some malt concoction with lemon. Completely disgusting. But I would have never had the chance with him without it.”

“Umm...”

“After a year of dodging my flirting with protestation of his heterosexuality, one night he got drunk and he begged for me to take him.”

“Alcohol changed him that much?”

“Give Aradia alcohol and you’ll understand.”

“You really think that would work?”

“Why not? Get everyone drunk and all the walls will fall down!”

“And now you’re getting me drunk,” Equius added suspiciously.

“Because you need your walls broken down. You are too tense. You’ve always been too tense.”

“I feel somewhat less tense now.”

“I have succeed then!”

The server came back with the wine and Pellegrino.

“Where is the spinach flatbread pizzas?” Horuss asked.

“They’re not ready yet.”

“And the cannoli?”

“I assumed you wanted that after the pizza.”

“Don’t assume! No tip then.”

“Sorry,” answered the server with undisguised sarcasm before she left.

“Aren’t you being rude?” Equius asked.

“I’m hungry, that’s all. Wine encourages the appetite!”

“You always were a big eater.”

“When I was a child, I was. I shed my weight long ago.”

“I wasn’t calling you fat.”

“I was fat! A pudgy short little boy no one liked! But I have changed.”

“You do look much better.”

“I keep myself on a strict diet. Most of the time, that is. Now is a special event! Every day is special. I can tell you keep healthy too.”

Equius wiped his brow. “Thank you. I try my best to exercise with what time I have.”

“I try my best too...with all my time to try my best I try my best. Always striving for perfection. I must not let my fat come back to me. I don’t know what I’d do with my life if that happened.”

“I would still love you, cousin.”

“Glad I have you on my side.”

“What about Rufioh?”

“Oh, of course, he’ll always love me. No matter my health. Oh, let’s toast to health!”

“To health!”

They both clicked glasses.

After drinking, Horuss said, “This wine tastes of...wine. Very good wine.”

“I can agree with that.”

After a bit of time, Equius asked, “When did you realize you didn’t like women?”

“I’m NOT a misogynist, no matter what Porrim says. She thinks every man is a misogynist.”

“No...as in...not attracted to them.”

“Now, as for Rufioh’s friend Meenah...I like Meenah. I wish she had more class but there is something about her...”

“Homosexual. Not attracted to women.”

“She has a tomboy thing. If she were...” Horuss looked back at Equius. “Oh yes, I knew for a long time.”

“Back when we were children?”

“Yes, even back then.”

“Who were you attracted to?”

“It was Hook, you know, the Peter Pan movie? We used to watch it all the time.”

“All this time watching that movie...you loved Robin Williams?”

“No, not that character. It was that Asian boy, what’s his name, he’s in a cartoon...do you know?”

“I don’t watch cartoons.”

“Well, he looks like Rufioh.”

“Did you want to...lay with him?”

“Just kiss him and hug him. I was young at the time.”

“Who was the first man you wanted to lay with?”

“Everyone. I chose everyone. That was my decision, any man that came in disreputable surroundings.”

“Everyone?”

“I haunted bathhouses and did stuff around. It was a dark time before I met Rufioh. I only have eyes for him now.”

“How many men?”

“Oh, no, he only has eyes for me. I’m his one and only.”

“No, I mean you.”

“I only love Rufioh. He is the only man I have truly love with my whole heart. Dear sweet Rufioh.”

Equius groaned. “I’m not getting anywhere.”

“One day you will and it will be wonderful. I remember first taking Rufioh...he was so intoxicating...intoxicated.”

“How did you get the fortitude to lay with him?”

“That was easy.” He sighed. “It was falling in love with him that took courage.”

“How did you know you were in love?”

Horuss shrugged. “It’s hard to say. It’s an experience hard to describe. Impossible. It’s...how do you feel with Aradia?”

“I love her...but...can you be in love with...more than one person?”

“Like Rufioh?” Horuss shook his head erratically. “No, Rufioh wasn’t in love with Damara. Not at the time. They were practically...not in love...on his side. He doesn’t love her now.”

Equius looked down at the wine. “So it’s impossible to be in love with more than one person?”

“No, no, not that either. Poets talk about it all the time. The heart is an expansive thing. But I’m monogo-married.”

“You’re married?”

“No, Rufioh doesn’t want to commit...yet. But he will. Oh yes he will.”

“Would you marry me...”

“Excuse me?”

“...if you were a woman, I mean?”

Horuss paused a long time. “N-why are you asking?”

“I have dreams...repeating...about laying with you.”

Horuss laughed. “Oh, dreams? They probably symbolize...closeness...or something of the sort.”

“Did I say they were at night?”

“Oh.”

“You aren’t the only male I fantasize about. The slob roommate...I hear him with his lover...very vocal young man. I want that disgusting slob to do the same to me.”

“The marijuana smoker?”

“Yes, I know it’s disgusting. I would have better taste if I went with Tavros.”

“Tavros?”

“The slob’s lover, Tavros Nitram.”

“A Nitram? Is he related to my Nitram?”

“I think he is. I find it too awkward to talk to him after...hearing him.”

“Small small world. You should date him.”

“But he’s dating my roommate!”

Horuss threw up his hands. “Like that matters! Just date someone who isn’t me! You’ll be happier!”

“But I love you 100%!”

“What about Aradia?”

“I love her 100% too! But I still love you.”

“You are confusing loves. This is a Greek love...one of the four loves...family love...not the Cupid love.”

“But it feels like more. I want you.”

“Why do you even want me?”

“You’re perfect...beautiful and noble...and Hell-bound.”

Horuss finished his wine. “Thank you for that. I am Hell-bound. My life is miserable. A complete waste!”

“You have love and freedom and sex and money! You are happy!”

“It’s all a facade. I put on a grin and everyone thinks I’m happy. My money is running out, sunk into that stupid cartoon shop! Nobody buys anymore when they can torrent! Rufioh is running it into the ground! And he’s cheating on me! I have no proof, but I know it’s true! He walks in drunk and I know he let some unworthy man have him. He communicates with his insane ex-girlfriend, I know he still loves her.” Horuss put his head on the table, knocking over the empty wine glass. “He’s always still loved her.”

“That’s not true. I refuse to believe that’s true. You are happy.” Equius shook his head. “I’m the unhappy one. I have to return to Iran! I don’t want to leave America! I don’t want to leave my sweet kitty girl and my hateful goddess and all the potheads!” He pounded the table. “I refuse to leave!”

The server came over to the table. “Is everything all right?”

Horuss picked up his head and yelled, “IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? Um, yes it is.” He held up his glass unsteadily. “Just get me two brandies...”

“Which-“

“I don’t care, the first one on the list!”

The server eyed them wearily before leaving.

Equius put his head in his hands. “I can’t...brandy.”

“I’ll drink yours again.”

“Two brandies? After many?”

“Why the darn not! Let’s get drunk! It’s a wine bar! And on the way home I can get a jug of plonk and pass out watching ‘My Little Pony’!”

Equius laid his head on the table. “I don’t want to be here. I feel sick.”

“Drink some water!”

Equius tried to open his Pellegrino but failed multiple times. While Equius did that, Horuss drank Equius’ wine.

“Indirect kissu...” Horuss muttered to himself.

The server came over with the pizzas, the cannoli, and two glasses of brandy. Equius felt too sick to look at the food. Horuss was only interested in the brandy. He held up the glass shakily.

“To failure!” he yelled before downing it.

“Please don’t drink so loud,” Equius moaned, his bottle still unopened.

“I can do anything I want...but succeed. Fuck the world...”

He then downed the brandy. Equius watched with disgust and amazement that Horuss could drink so much.

When Horuss was done with the first brandy, he picked up the second. “And here’s too you, you pervert!” he cheered before drinking it.

Unfortunately, that brandy was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Equius watched in horror as Horuss fell off the chair and passed out. Everyone stared at them. Equius felt a rush of humiliation before he was distracted by a rush of nausea. He leaped off his chair and only just made it to the bathroom labelled “Satyrs”.

After passing out from the brandy, Horuss woke up on a plush couch lying on his side. His mind and body protested this awakening. His vision was unfocused and when he touched his face he realized his glasses were off. An olive-skinned black-haired human in white and grey and black was sitting in front of him.

“Horuss?” spoke the human.

“Equius?” Horuss replied, “My glasses...”

Equius moved to the left, produced something, and pressed it into Horuss’ hand. Horuss took too long to figure out they were his glasses. He forced his head up just enough so he could slip the glasses on before letting his head fall again. His vision was still a little blurry but at least he could recognize his younger cousin by more than voice.

Equius asked, “Are you fine?”

“No. What happened?”

Equius actually sounded happy when he asked, “You don’t remember anything?”

Horuss tried to remember if he did remember anything. Unfortunately, he could. “We said some very foolish things.”

“Yes, yes we did.”

“My life isn’t that horrible.”

“I know.”

“At least, not in general. Right now it is extremely horrible.”

“And I don’t...” Equius tried to shake his head but instead clutched it.

“Are you fine?”

“Only a headache. I completed my vomiting long ago.”

“That’s nice. How long has it been? Since I passed out?”

“An hour or so.”

Horuss smiled. “I’m glad the owners are so tolerant.”

“No, they’ve just been waiting till you wake up. After that, we are banned for life.”

Horuss lifted himself up and yelled “What? I’m a paying customer!” before falling back on the couch.

Equius winced. “We haven’t settled the bill yet.”

Horuss adjusted his glasses. “Let me look at this bill.”

Equius gingerly handed the bill to Horuss while saying, “I’d like to thank you very much for this lunch...even though it was the worst I’ve ever had.”

Horuss opened the billfold and squinted at the receipt. It was an awfully long piece of paper. Though he couldn’t read much of the print, the final total was repeated in red pen. Horuss looked back up at Equius, who was playing with his own hair.

“Dear cousin,” Horuss asked sweetly, “Has your father given you money for your graduation?"


End file.
